We usually talk about the medical and financial side when it comes to IVF — the procedure, shots, costs, success rates, risks, etc. But there’s also the human side of it. The emotional side. Because people, this stuff is hard! Eric and Sam spent a lot of turmoil and tears just getting ready to talk about fertility. And then one rude provider set us back another year before we started back up again.
It’s normal to feel a lot, and all at once
IVF can stir up anxiety, grief, hope, anger, and numbness, sometimes in a single afternoon. None of that means you’re handling it poorly. The emotional weight of infertility is often compared to what people carry through a serious illness, so if it feels like a lot, that’s because it genuinely is.
Advocate for yourself
IVF has a lot of steps, and the whole point of those steps is control. Controlling the timing, your hormones, how sperm meets eggs, etc. etc. all to control the odds of a successful pregnancy. And yet going through it can leave you feeling like you have less control than ever.
But you have a lot more say so than it sometimes feels like. This is your body and your treatment. Take up as much space as you need. Ask all your questions. And ask them again. It’s fine to question why a step is being recommended. If something doesn’t make sense, feels overwhelming, or doesn’t sit right, take a pause, take a step back, and take the time you need to think things through. And it’s perfectly normal to change your mind about your decisions. A good clinic treats all of this as normal. Because it is! A little control and say so goes a long way to ease anxieties. And you have a lot more control than you’d think.
Boundaries are allowed
Baby stuff is heavy stuff. And you don’t owe anyone any details. You get to decide who knows, how much, and when. A few things that tend to help:
- Start with your safe people, those who support you without judgement or without making it about themselves.
- Remember you can’t un-share something once it’s out, so it’s fine to hold back until you’re ready.
- “We’ll share more when we’re ready” is a complete sentence.
If you have a partner, decide together what you’re comfortable telling people and when. Get on the same page so you’re not caught off guard when someone asks.
We did not do that. And then yes someone asked. We did the awkward pause and stare at each other. Sam shrugged and gave a small smile and nod. It was Eric's family so he took the brave plunge and said we were looking into IVF. They were happy for us, and left it at that. Phew! And as of writing this article in June 2026, Sam's family still doesn't know yet.
Self-care on the outside
IVF has a way of quietly taking over everything. So make sure to do the things that make you happy and whole.
Your body. Rest when you can. It’s ok to skip socializing and take a lazy day. Have that piece of chocolate. Take a bubble bath. Do the things that give you little sparks of joy during this trying time. This isn’t always about following every rule and optimizing. It’s about not running yourself into the ground.
Your mind. Find ways to feel grounded and settled. For some people that’s journaling or a few quiet minutes of breathing. For others it’s taking a walk, playing board games, or going to a show. Sam weirdly likes to clean when she’s anxious. Our house is either a disaster or spotless. A distraction isn’t avoidance. It’s a break, and you’re allowed one.
Real support. It’s always wonderful to have friends and family who you can talk to. Also, a counselor who specializes in fertility can help more than you might expect. There are often local support groups and plenty of online ones. Reddit can be hit or miss. Some love the feedback. For us, it was a bit overwhelming. Finding the right support system for your needs can make the process feel a lot less daunting.
Self-care on the inside
Be gentler with yourself. Your body is doing something hard, and so are you. There’s no prize for getting through this grinning and bearing it all, and there’s no schedule you’re failing to keep. It’s a long and uneven journey, and you’re allowed to move through it at your own pace.
Sam is turning 40, panicking a little, and self-blaming a lot for "waiting so late." As best you can, try to give yourself the advice and the grace you'd give a friend in the same spot. Eric would remind Sam that we set our own bar on what counted as a good day. Sometimes, getting to an appointment and ordering takeout afterward was a big win. We slowly learned to let that be enough.
Where to go from here
However you’re carrying this whole experience is perfectly fine. Here’s more information on emotions…
You don’t have to do this alone
And if it ever starts to feel like more than you can carry, talking to a therapist or counselor who works with fertility isn’t a sign you’ve failed at coping. It’s a sign of strength knowing you need support and a form of self love to seek that support. If you want support beyond these pages, here are a few good places to start:
- RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association runs free, peer-led support groups in over 200 communities and online, plus a helpline at 1-888-623-0744. It’s been around since 1974 and is probably the first place we’d point anyone. (resolve.org)
- Find a fertility counselor. A therapist who specializes in fertility can help more than you’d expect. ASRM keeps a searchable directory of reproductive health and mental health professionals you can filter by location. (reproductivefacts.org)
- When and why to get counseling. If you’re not sure whether you “need” support, ASRM has a guide of what fertility counseling is and how it might help. (reproductivefacts.org)
- Online communities like on reddit can make you feel less alone at 2am. Though as we said above, they’re a bit hit or miss, so take what helps and leave the rest.